ALONE
by Doorist -vyvrik
Summary: Randy is alone... again. Hoping... still. Wondering... as usual. Waiting... always.


**ALONE**

**THE PRESENT**

The tv flickers away across the room and I stare at it unseeing. Unblinking. My whole body alert with anticipation, straining to hear the sounds of approach, signs of life outside in the deserted corridor, any sounds at all. I listen hard to the silence, the expectation waning despite the promised words resonating around inside my mind, refusing to let me forget. Why is it I continuously seem to find myself in this position recently? Why am I allowing it to happen to me? My mind constantly churning, wondering, reasoning, disregarding my own excuses. I'm full of reasons why I shouldn't, why I won't, why I can't...

Yet here I am.

Again.

Still here. Always here.

I roll over with a sigh, telling my inner monologue to stop beating myself up over it. I stare out the open beige curtains of yet another faceless hotel room into the inky blackness of the night, matching my darkening mood. I really could be anywhere right now, same story, different day. The intensity of the stormy clouds distract me, occasionally illuminated by a fork of electricity lighting up the whole sky, and I hear the sound of a plane making its way somewhere overhead, temporarily drowning out the voice berating me in my head, and I'm glad I'm not on it, facing the storm head on. I'm glad I'm here instead, hiding away in my room running from my problems, pretending they don't exist yet willingly staying, waiting for them to arrive. Like I know they will. They always do. I welcome them. Him. I welcome _him_. He is my problems. Plural. All of them. Yet still I wait.

I welcome him.

And so here I'll remain until he comes.

Alone... again.

Waiting... still.

Wondering... as usual.

Hoping...

Always.

The story of my current existence. So lame. I'm such a fool. I'm better than this, I know that. I'm living in denial, I know that too. In a fantasy land of constant expectation, anticipation... then constant disappointment, rejection, of being let down. Yet again.

But it's not intentional, of that I'm constantly assured, it's not just a blatant disregard for my feelings, I know that much at least, I let myself believe it. I'm acutely aware of it. I know it's harder for him. He has more to hide from here on the road. I'm more or less free, most of the time. I'm here with minimal intrusion, about as far away both physically and metaphorically as I can possibly be from my real life, yet his is here with him at all times, constantly reminding him, demanding his attention, it's impossible to escape. _She's_ impossible to escape. All of them.

And I know that. It keeps me sane. Grounded. Makes me appreciate the effort.

But I still can't help the thoughts that slide through my consciousness, the feigned nonchalance at a promise unfulfilled, the constant keeping up public appearances battering my self-confidence, fuelling my insecurity, the hurt swallowed along with my pride, wanting to manifest itself in pointed words yet always refraining, never rearing its ugly head in a jealous rage like it does inside my mind.

Jealous. That was a turn up for the books, when I realised that's what it was. Not something I ever expected. And suddenly I had an inkling of how it must feel to be on the receiving end. To be the one waiting alone at home, paranoid and suspicious, head full of imagined scenarios of life on the road...

To be my wife.

Nodding at all my excuses, a late flight, bad traffic, problems at work, accepting everything I say knowing there is nothing that can be done to change it, knowing that there is nothing I will do to make it change. I realised _I_ have become that person_. _

_I'm_ the 'other woman', so to speak.

Except I'm here. I'm not at home wondering what he's getting up to, I'm actually here having to watch him play the happy couple with her, pushed aside into the shadows but all the while being witness to it, to the reality. Because it's there, out in the open, free for all to see. Nothing unusual, nothing to be ashamed of. Although I'm ashamed of myself. I admit that. That's me. I'm the one hiding. Keeping up appearances. But I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change anything. Well, I'd change alot of things but I know it's impossible, so if this is the way it has to be, then so be it. Better than nothing. Right? I know it'd be the same if the shoe was on the other foot, if it was me with my wife here and his woman back at home. I know. It's just how it is, so we work around it.

And I'm okay with it, I really am. But sometimes it just gets too much. And I wonder if it's really worth the effort. Like what's the point? A few stolen moments here, a night there, it'll never amount to anything more, it's not like we're holding out for circumstances to change, for the time to be right... the time will never be right, nothing about this can ever be right. Nothing more can come of it. And we know that and yet we carry on. It is what it is. Which is nothing much really. I don't even know how it started, not really, or why.

Madness. It's the only explanation. Because the initial situation, well, I can't even remember. I was drunk. Miserable, bored. Lonely. An accidental drunken fumble gone wrong, okay maybe not so accidental on my part at least, gone on longer than the drinking did somehow, drink forgotten as it became more important than that... maybe we realised it was better at dulling the loneliness, the combination of the two easing the boredom of life on the road.

Because you couldn't have one without the other. The drink was the incentive, the courage, and the excuse. The mutual gratification the goal. The closeness. The company. The shared secret, the deceit. It was exciting. But like anything else it became routine. Not in a boring way, anything but, that's why I'm still here, it's just that routine can become careless, risk becoming visible. And so it began.

The waiting.

And occasionally it gets to me. Like all the effort is futile. Because maybe there's a hopeless romantic buried deep inside of me and I wish it could be more than that. But I have no grand delusions, I know the score. And sometimes I think it really is all worth it after all. Besides, resistance is futile too.

**THE PAST**

I'm not even sure I can remember when it all began. It was such a long time ago. It wasn't like it was one of those things that hits you BAM like a shot between the eyes, like you know instantly... at least if it was, it took me a long time to recognise that's what had happened to me, because when I did realise it freaked me the fuck out and I retreated as fast as my legs could carry me. With hindsight, it probably was pretty instant... but I was so blind to such a foreign concept that the thought didn't even enter my head, I dunno.

What I do know, is that we hit it off right from the get go. I felt like I knew him already, we had such similar upbringings and experiences that we just instantly understood each other. He got me. And I let him. And I liked that, I really liked it, because no one else ever just took me as I was and accepted me for who I am right from the start. And he liked me just the way I was. That never happened. Not to me. Everyone always seemed to have some totally unwarranted and fully-formed preconception of me, and I felt like I was forever trying to earn their trust, their respect, trying to impress all the right people...

But I never had to pretend with him. He just got me. And I got him too. And I liked that even more. We were great friends, we really were, for a very long time. I just never noticed that over time it had become anything other than that for me.

Something more.

Alot more. And it took me even longer to realise what it was.

Imagine my surprise when I found out... I mean, seriously, if you had told me way back then, four years ago, that my world would be turned upside down and I would become infatuated, obsessed, in unrequited _love_... with a _guy,_ I'd have not only laughed in your face but also knocked it clean off your head.

I mean, really? Really?

Most of the time I still can't believe it myself, despite being acutely aware of it every second of every day... and you know how people would react if they found out, they'd never believe it of me. Not of Randy Orton, no, never, people who know me would literally laugh in disbelief if they ever heard that about me, but of Cody... yes. I don't know why, I've never been able to get my head around it, but for some reason everyone would believe it of Cody. Well, mostly everyone... maybe not his girlfriends... but I think I'm the only person who wouldn't believe it if I heard that about him, no matter how reliable the gossiping source.

I still don't believe it, despite having experienced him first hand... his heart's not in it, just his dick. Put it this way, I didn't do anything about the way I felt for literally years, I let it eat me up inside and drive me slowly insane rather than risk the humiliation of rejection. That's how little I expected him to ever act on it. And I'm fully aware he only ever did out of drunken pity.

So, needless to say, you can imagine my dilemma when I first realised what had happened in my stupid little fucked up brain.

I was confused for awhile, ages actually. I found myself thinking about him all the time and wondering why Sam started to ask after him whenever I got home, I guess I hadn't realised how much I must've talked about him... So then I started wondering _why_ I was thinking about him and catching myself before I mentioned him, especially in front of Sam... and I realised how often that happened. Which was a shock in itself.

So then of course I was questioning myself, but still found myself making excuses to talk to him, be around him, see how he was getting on... I felt like I had to watch out for him, I knew how hard it could be for the son of a successful father in the locker room, and after everything I went through, well, you know, I guess I kinda just wanted to make sure someone was there for him, to shield him from all that shit... and I guess I just made sure it was me.

I mean everyone knew not to mess with him, maybe I just took the over protective thing a little too far... not that I even noticed, and he never said anything... but then when everyone else started to comment, I couldn't figure out what it was exactly they were giving me shit about... I reacted badly, and assumed it was all something to do them wanting to get their hands on Cody, both in _and_ out of the ring, which infuriated me and all I could think of was protecting him from that... With hindsight I now realise that I probably only succeeded in making things a million times worse. I've seen the videos, I've seen the way my eyes burned into him, I've seen the promos, the way I talked to him as if there was no one else in the world let alone the room, the way I constantly touched him...

But it wasn't until I was injured, worrying myself into an early grave on the other side of the country as I sat transfixed to the tv screen, some random Monday night, knowing I was too far away to be of any help if he needed me... I watched in despair as he was paired with DiBiase, I still never realised how jealous I was.

It was my wife, of all people, who pointed it out to me. I was flabbergasted. Then horrified. She told me to stop pacing the room like a bear with a sore head and asked if I glared at Ted like that in real life as much as I did watching him on Raw. I'd stopped dead in my tracks, like seriously confused & fully huh? She said I was acting like a jealous husband and no wonder all the fangirls wrote slash about me and Cody, if I couldn't keep my keep my hands off him in the ring no wonder I couldn't keep my eyes off him on the screen when someone else had their hands all over my property. I'm not proud to admit I reacted appallingly. I shouted her down and very loudly denied everything she said all up in her face. I was so taken aback I lashed out the only way I knew how, in an explosion of fury.

What I hadn't realised was that she was only joking, to a certain degree anyway, but my overly hostile reaction was practically an admission of guilt in itself. I asked her to explain everything she had just said and give me reasons for why she thought that. Glaring at me with these accusing eyes, she just turned to the tv, that's when I first saw the videos. I had no choice, she silently went through every Legacy segment on every episode of Raw and showed me. Yeah, that's right, _showed me_. I had no idea I was like... like _that_ with him. That I _touched_ him like that,_ looked_ at him like that, _spoke_ to him like that. My eyes practically devour him of their own accord, And I have this voice... like an octave lower and all kinds of seductive and I... I didn't even know I had that voice! Let alone kept it to use on Cody, and only Cody... But it was the touching that got to me the most. Surely I'd have at least some recollection of ever stroking his cheek that way? Of constantly rubbing my thumb over the line of his jaw? Have you any idea how it feels to find your hand has what's referred to as 'it's usual place' on the back of someone's neck? A man's neck! Cody's neck. I really didn't know how to feel about that. And didn't he notice? Why the fuck did he never say anything? Letting me embarrass myself like that week in week out... though saying that, no one else ever seemed to notice either, only Sam. Great. Just great. I did ask Cody about it this one time, he said he never thought anything of it... that it must've just felt so normal to him that he didn't even notice. I wasn't sure how to feel about that, but my stomach flipped over on itself when he said it.

Needless to say, after that I went as far the other way as I possibly could, actively avoiding Cody at all costs, deliberately being rude and standoffish if I had to speak to him, ignoring him if he spoke to me or sought me out. But all that managed to achieve was to invite a barrage of innuendo laden comments from all and sundry, (ie; John), about lovers tiffs.

I was a wreck. I had no idea what I was doing, or how to handle it. How to handle _myself_. I lost so much weight with stressing over it, and what hurt the most was the look on Cody's face whenever I scowled at him or sneered in his direction. I had no idea how much he had cottoned on to or how much he suspected, it must've seemed to him that I'd gone completely bi-polar on his ass, but it was blatantly obvious I was hurting him too, and that was the last thing I wanted. And to top it all off, all I ended up doing was push he and Ted even closer together. They became a united front, them against me. I was devastated. That's when I finally realised, then admitted to myself what was really going on, and changed tack completely.

Sam was right all along. I was acting like a jealous boyfriend over someone I had absolutely no claim over whatsoever. I was in love with him. But how could I be, I wasn't even gay! But I knew suddenly that that's what it was. The realisation was like a smack in the face, or a shot to the heart... but once it hit me it was so obvious that I didn't know how I hadn't seen it before. There was no turning back. I was determined. It was like I had a new lease of life.

And I was still jealous. So jealous. Even more so now that I knew the cause of my completely irrational behaviour. Watching them on Raw every week when I was away injured was torture, it was killing me, I was going insane. All I knew for sure right then was that I had to win him back. Not that I'd ever actually had him in the first place, he was never even mine to win, and as far as I knew he never wanted to be, what with that string of girlfriends he constantly had in tow... But that only made me more determined, because somewhere in my mind I had convinced myself that Ted had stolen him from me, and there was no way I was going to let him get away with that.

When I returned, I somehow managed to engineer a nice little holiday for Ted in the form of a nice little action hero movie script which somehow managed to find its way into his letterbox... How kind I am, how considerate of me to think of him as first recipient for my reject pile... Three months I then had at my disposal...

...one night was all it took.

The thing about it was that it was completely unintended. Sometimes I guess things work out better that way, when you're not expecting anything. We were at this promotion night for one of the pay-per-views, Cody looked amazing, as usual, and he was having a great time by the looks of him, which I admit I duly noted with a scowl and jealous glare from my lonely position at the bar in the corner. It wasn't like Cody to drink all night, Beth didn't allow it, but he somehow seemed to be getting away with making good use of the free cocktails constantly shoved under his nose by the hot bodied promotion girls-cum-waitresses. I watched as they flaunted themselves expectantly in front of him all night, vying for his attention, much to Beth's extreme displeasure. So much so that she excused herself early and, I noted with interest, disappeared with Phil, leaving the wolves to close in on their unsuspecting prey. I watched his every move from my position at the bar like some kind of crazy stalker, telling myself that I was just looking out for him, just being a good friend, and I can't deny I glared after him and his entourage in fury as he made his way apologetically to the bathroom, only to be cornered in the corridor as he re-emerged as if it was some kind of invitation. I was off my stool in a shot and sauntering over, making out I was on my way to relieve myself. Which I guess I was in a sense...

I rounded the corner and climbed the top step just in time to see him empty the contents of his stomach all over the nearest girl, previously gyrating up against him suggestively and now screaming in horror at her inappropriate state of undress being covered in reconstituted red cocktail. The girls instantly vanished, and I reached him just as he bent forward, hands on his knees as he doubled over in agony, dry retching and heaving, staggering about as he became unbalanced and I took his arm, steadying him, the sour stench filling my nostrils as I held him, waiting until he was finished before dragging him unceremoniously into the bathroom to get him cleaned up.

He was avoiding my eye as he bent over the basin, splashing his face with water and repeatedly rinsing out his mouth, looking suitably mortified, "Why are you doing this?" he murmured, stumbling into me as he straightened himself, still refusing to look at the image of the both of us staring back at him in the mirror, the intensity of my gaze immensely off-putting I'm sure,

"Doing what?"

"Helping me..."

For a moment I'd thought he was going to accuse me of being responsible for what happened to him, so his response shocked me into silence for a moment until I realised the way I'd been behaving for the past half a year must be at odds with the way I'd just jumped right in to help back there, I didn't know what to say to him, but I figured '_oh you know, I watch your every move like a crazed stalker because I'm completely infatuated with you' _wouldn't quite cut it, but my heart was beating so fast I thought I was about to die and I was sweating profusely at the horror of him possibly finding me out, to the point I thought that maybe he already knew... and I freaked out completely and descended into temporary insanity, figuring what the hell as I drew him close, holding him to my chest with a hand gripping tightly either side of his shoulders, and before either of us could think twice I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and kissed him deeply, my world spinning around like his had done out in the corridor and blood rushing through my ears drowning out all other sounds as I inhaled in every minute detail. Which didn't take long as I pretty much instantly lost my nerve, ending up whispering against his shell-shocked lips,

"I'd never let anything bad happen to you," then realising what I'd just done, pulled back and stared into his stunned face for a second before turning on my heel and intending to flee. But he was right behind me as we re-emerged, shying away from the bright lights, white as a sheet with shock and slumping against the nearest wall for balance as he inadvertently lunged sideways, cringing at the ridiculous strobe of the dance floor spotlights periodically illuminating him in all his shameful glory. He was a mess, looking genuinely confused and unsure as he met my eye for the first time, voice wavering as the security staff closed in to forcibly remove him,

"Randy?"

"It's okay, I got this, we're already on our way," I nodded at the hulking men surrounding us as I took charge, and somehow my voice sounded more in control than I felt. I moved in close as I steered him across the club towards the exit, deciding to pretend like nothing ever happened back there at all, "What the fuck was in those drinks?"

He looked completely mystified by my question, as if he was wondering whether or not it had been some kind of drunken illusion his psyche had conjured up, "The drinks?" he slurred, "Nothing, was there? But they were mocktails... weren't they?"

"Nothing my ass," I chided him, dragging him into the elevator, lifting up his eyelids one at a time to assess the state of his pupils, wondering if perhaps Beth had slipped him something to give herself an easy out, "But it's fucked you up good, whatever it is," I hauled him towards his own room, then thought better of it and headed to my own, laying him out on the bed after holding him up over the toilet bowl as soon as we got through the door.

"You kissed me." It was a statement not a question, and it was the first thing he said to me as I picked him up off the floor of the tiny hotel bathroom.

I froze. What else could I do, apart from ignore it and hope that he was far gone enough to have forgotten all about it in the morning. But it seemed Cody was in the mood for talking.

"What happened to us Randy? One minute we were tight... then, I don't even know... you ignore me for months then you fucking kiss me out of the blue..."

"I dunno man," I shrugged, "I've had a few too many, forget about it..."

"How am I supposed to forget about that? Don't I deserve some kind of explanation? Huh?"

"Cody..." I sighed, knowing full well that he did, but not even knowing where to start, "It's just... look... I guess that I, that you... I don't even know!" Suddenly I was pacing the room without even realising, "Fuck, just drop it, okay?"

"No way! You can't pull that one on me! Not now! What were you about to say just now? Fucking tell me already!"

"It's complicated..." I raked my hands furiously over the stubble on my head, my eyes darting about furiously as I tried to come up with something feasible to tell him, "I can't do this..."

His face fell, he seemed to deflate and give up right before my eyes,

"Fine. I just wish I knew what I did to piss you off so much... Why do you hate me? If you've got something to say just fucking say it! Put me out of my misery!"

And he sounded so forlorn, his sad pleading sending waves of guilt coursing through my body, but then he continued and nearly blew my fucking mind,

"Is it because of all the bullshit slash the fangirls write about us? 'Cos all this shit with you started right about the same time I found out about that, so I figured maybe you found out too and it freaked you out, I mean I don't blame you man, candy? What the fuck kind of name is that shit anyway? I mean they can fuck right off, but yeah, I totally understand if that's what caused all this, you know, to turn you into a prick in real life, like wanting to keep your distance and stuff, I totally get that..." he trailed off as I stared at him incredulously, looking uncomfortable all of a sudden, "What? You... you did know about all that, right?"

I didn't know what to say, I mean yeah, that'd be a brilliant excuse, but no, no I fucking did not know about all that... not like that anyway...

"How did you find out?" I was curious, having only vaguely been briefed myself by Sam way back when she first enlightened me about myself...

"Uh..." he looked uncomfortable and my curiosity piqued, "Someone kinda, went out of their way to make sure I was aware of it..."

"Who?"

"Your wife..." he looked like he expected me to bite his head off, but I couldn't help but laugh at her dirty underhanded tactics, well played, well played...

"And you didn't tell me because...?"

"Uh try because you completely stopped talking to me! And I thought you hated me because of it! I thought_ you_ thought that maybe I had something to do with it, with them writing it I mean..."

"Did Sam put that idea in your head?"

"...I guess, she was just worried about you..."

"Oh yeah, sure she was..." I scoffed, but then it hit me,

"I'm sorry if I did anything... you know, that made them think that..."

"It wasn't what you did that made people think that Cody... it was what I did..."

Cody was looking at me expectantly like he was waiting for me to finish, "Stop being so fucking cryptic Randy..."

But the words died on his lips as I completely lost my mind, standing over him for a second as I questioned myself before literally lunging for his mouth, hoping he was still too drunk to notice or care... or remember in the morning... a constant barrage of abuse assaulted my mind as I assaulted his lips, berating myself over and over for taking advantage of him when he was in this state... but the devil in me urged me on, convincing me I might never get another chance to tell him how I feel... to show him...

I attacked his lips as he lay there stunned, moving seductively further down his body, my mouth seeking his hot skin beneath his clothes as I trailed a wet path over the curves and dips of twitching muscle of his abdomen, begging him to tell me to stop as I went, but the initial shocked silence was soon filled with encouraging noises of assent in response to my assault, and he didn't stop me as I continued lower, pausing for only the briefest second at the fly of his jeans, unzipping it with my teeth before I had a chance to change my mind... or he had a chance to stop me.

As soon as I had his thickening shaft between my teeth, I was a man possessed, having no idea what I was doing but determined to at least give Cody something to remember me by... if he ever did actually remember this whole, ordeal... but the noises he made as he came that first time will stay with me forever, completely uninhibited as he thrust violently down the back of my throat... I felt like he was giving himself to me, when for him, it has always been a case of taking from me.

I sat back in shock as I came to my senses, devastated at losing control after all that time. We stared at each other as his breathing returned to normal and I fled, shutting myself in the bathroom and turning the shower on to drown out the sounds of protest in my mind. By the time I came out, he was out cold, and I sat there all night, too concerned to sleep what with the way he literally passed out and barely moved a muscle for ten straight hours. The last thing he said to me, sitting bolt upright and pointing a finger at me accusingly before slumping back down as I disappeared inside the bathroom door, was enough to keep me up all night worrying on its own,

"Don't think I don't know, I've seen how you look at me..."

What. The. Fuck.

Needless to say, I made sure I was gone in the morning and completely avoided him for the entire next week. I had no idea at the time how much he remembered, if anything at all, but I think he knew what I was doing and actively kept out of my way. Until finally the inevitable happened. We literally ran into each other at the end of a house show, he was coming out the locker rooms as I was going in, I'd been hanging back at the trainer's room in the hope that everyone would be gone, and I guess he'd been hanging back in the showers hoping for the same thing... he was waiting for me.

He was fucking waiting for me.

I can't deny that made me both terrified and excited in equal measures, my stomach flipping in on itself involuntarily and practically cartwheeling its way up into my mouth, landing with a thud, laden on my tongue. I was incapable of speech.

But he had given up.

He was leaving. Or at least had been... We just stared at each other at first, neither one of us saying a word, not wanting to incriminate ourselves in front of any of the crew still running about out in the hall, and I opened my mouth to apologise profusely only to find his hand clamped over it as he literally dragged me inside and locked the door behind us, hand still over my mouth as he backed himself up against it. Everything was hanging in the air between us and I wasn't sure what he was expecting from me, until his expression changed completely and he removed his hand slowly, smirking as he lowered it to my shoulder, pushing me down suggestively as he forced me to my knees.

Not that I put up any resistance, I guess I was just surprised more than anything. I stared up at him in awe and disbelief as he hurriedly fiddled with his belt, releasing himself from his confines and cradling the back of my head in one hand, taking hold of his already straining shaft with the other. Slowly, he wiped himself back and forth, leaving a trail leaking across my mouth, my lips parting eagerly, my tongue insistent, I was desperate to taste him once more, never in my wildest dreams expecting this to happen again.

But at the same time, and for the first time, much to my surprise I found a huge cloud of guilt hanging over me. Don't get me wrong I also felt completely elated that this was happening, after all this time, all these years of waiting, of hiding, it was probably too soon but I already felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders, but also... it's hard to explain.

It happened the moment Cody's phone rang and he dismissed it with a roll of his eyes as he scanned it, Beth's name flashing up on the screen... Something about that one action left me reeling... I don't know why, but I somehow felt completely destroyed inside, like the last of my innocence was lost forever...

Maybe because I never thought any of this would actually come to fruition, once can be forgotten, once can be explained away as a drunken mistake, momentary lapse of reason, but now, now it had become something else, something bigger than the both of us. Now it was literally cheating on my wife, which I wasn't technically doing when it was just a fantasy in my head, even if it was occupying my every waking thought and had been entirely consuming me for years. Now, suddenly, it was real, it _felt_ real, it was _actually_ happening it wasn't in my head and there would be excuses, and consequences... and I didn't know yet how I was going to be able to deal with that.

But somehow, despite all that, despite everything my head was telling me and my heart chose to ignore, we somehow fell into this weird kind of... thing. We had a thing going on. It wasn't anything concrete, it was just grabbing opportunities, him demanding I suck him off in some place or other with a highly likely chance of being seen, of getting caught... elicit blowjobs in dark, deserted corners in the depths of the arena, back rooms and dirty toilets in hotel bars... it was fast, it was furious, hot, needy, all before going our separate ways back to our respective hotel rooms, our respectable homes, back to our girlfriend and so called wife. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't meant to be. It was something different. It was new. Exciting. Dangerous. Exhilarating. I got off on it every damn time without him even laying a finger on me.

And that's how it started. That's how it went. For months such pleasantries were exchanged,

"How's Beth?"

"Great. How's your wife?"

"Peachy."

And we'd carry on. We'd pant, we'd gasp, we'd laugh, we'd groan, tremble in unison and go our separate ways.

Until Beth made it public that she'd long since had enough of whatever it was Cody was doing, she knew something had sidetracked him but she didn't even care what it was, it gave her the perfect excuse she'd been waiting for to jump ship into the pre-prepared and ready waiting arms of Phil, much to Cody's extreme surprise and apparent despair.

To be honest, I hadn't expected him to react that way, although to be fair, I'd been expecting it for quite some time, whereas he seemed genuinely shocked and spent the next few months wallowing in abject misery. I don't necessarily think he was as heartbroken as everybody assumed, I think it was more that he realised exactly what it was that he'd been doing. With me.

What he'd been doing with me.

He fobbed me off, for ages, just ignored me completely, and that was fine, you know, I completely understood, I really did. I didn't have to like it, but I knew where he was coming from. He knew I was married and that somehow really seemed to hit a nerve with him when he stopped for a moment to think about what he was doing. He said he'd got carried away, said he was drunk on the power he had over me... whatever that meant. He said he loved knowing my secret and holding it over me, said he'd known for ages, that I was so obvious, I gave it away, the way I looked up at him when I was down on my knees, and that he loved knowing that I felt that way about him... he always had this way of making me feel, vulnerable.

I think the thing with Beth initiated some kind of crisis of confidence. Because he changed. I used to watch him, I backed off completely and just let him get on with things, left him to it, as much as it pained me to do so, I hated leaving him when he was hurting, but I wasn't what he needed right then, he didn't want me anymore.

He didn't want me.

I was devastated of course, but it was okay, I could deal. I'd already experienced so much more than I ever expected, and I'd be eternally grateful for that opportunity, for everything he'd given me. Maybe it was time I grew up and got on with my life instead of dwelling on what could never be, you know? I'd had my fun, move on, get over it...

But right as I'd made the decision to finally do exactly that, right as I'd finally realised I was wallowing in self pity and self despair just as much, if not more, than Cody was, was exactly the moment he chose to randomly turn up at my door. I stared at him in complete shock, in confusion, we never went to each other's rooms, never. He'd been drinking, so had I, and we just stared at each other silently in the doorway for a few moments, neither of us moving, unasked questions hanging over us both... It wasn't until I heard the ping of the elevator down the hall that I stood back, giving him the option to come inside if he wanted to... but still he didn't move, until the voices making their way down the corridor grew louder and just as they rounded the corner, he finally decided to slip inside...

It was the most awkward encounter of my life. He sat across from me on the couch opposite, and neither of us said a word. The silence stretched longer and quieter between us, growing in turns more difficult and more comfortable. Unasked and unanswered questions still hung in the air between us, not ignored so much as put on hold, prolonging the agony further for another day? Or just to be forgotten altogether and gradually swept away under the carpet along with other once important things? I had no idea. Only time would tell. And I had all the time in the world when it came to Cody. I already knew I would wait for him forever. I also knew I was completely out of my mind.

We lasted an hour before the untimely interruption, my phone buzzing on a table somewhere breaking the silence. We both jumped, and the moment was lost.

"Just forget it..." Cody barked, and he was gone.

Before I realised what was happening, it had become a regular thing. I'd open my door, find him there, always just about to knock, and then we'd sit, some form of extended silence stretching between us for some indeterminate period of time before we either fell asleep or one or both of us had to go. Sometimes the tv was already on before he arrived, sometimes there was music coming from somewhere, rarely was there anything else. Sometimes we ate. No words exchanged, he would just hand me a container from a bag, or I'd pass him a bowl as he sat down. Always with a sigh. Like he already knew we'd never get any further than this deafening silence before he even tried to penetrate it.

The next time, he came armed and dangerous. A litre of Jack and a bottle of coke. I eyed him curiously as he sat himself down, clearly having partaken of a few himself already. But it seemed to do the trick. The spell was broken, he was ready to talk.

And he did. Non-stop.

I'd had no idea where his head was at, and was surprised that he had deemed me a worthy audience. He said he'd had enough of me watching him like that, like what exactly, apparently I have these big sad eyes and he's had enough. My heart plummeted, and he was oblivious, completely unaware as he continued to unwind, his verbal diatribe almost stream of consciousness as he got it all off his chest, everything, Beth, me... spitting vitriol to the point I admit that maybe I'd zoned out a little... until I heard my name...

I hadn't noticed he was righting all that was wrong with the world, so lost was I in the depths of despair all over again...

"Randy?"

I looked up at him as he seemed to be waiting for an answer, imploring me with these almost desperate eyes,

"You made me this way."

I still hadn't cottoned on to what he was getting at, "What way?"

But he just sighed, "Never mind," slumping back down even further on his couch and taking a swig straight from the bottle, "Here I am questioning my sexuality and asking you for help and you're not even listening to me."

"What?" I sat up, eyes wide and questioning what I just thought I'd heard... and wondering what I'd missed the first time round...

"Yeah you heard it that time all right, but it doesn't matter, forget it."

"No wait,"

I was elated and deflated all in the space of a second as I floundered, suddenly realising that he might not have been saying what I wanted to hear, he might have been lamenting the fact that I'd corrupted him and led him astray, then parted him from his, in his eyes, loyal and devoted companion in the form of Beth... little did he know...

I was desperate for him to keep talking, but instead I found my own mouth doing all the work as I finally got around to apologising profusely for my previous actions, for forcing myself on him like that...

"I never should've... that first time... I lost control..."

Cody shook his head, quick to cut me off, "That's not what I'm saying... I, it was good, so are you, you know... I mean, I _liked_ it, I still do... I guess I'm just not sure..." he trailed off, sounding as unsure as I felt, but my hopes once again were rising fast...

"So... uh," I began uncertainly, "Now what?"

"Yeah. That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out..."

"Well..." I guess I was fidgeting, I was nervous as hell and already flushing deeply at what I was about offer, wondering when I'd grown the balls, or when I'd lost my mind, I wasn't sure which, "I'm here if you need help with that... if there's anything you... need to get out of your system..."

Cody stared at me for ages, "You know I don't fuck guys, right?"

"Me neither..." I got in quickly, feeling like I had emasculated myself,

"But I do like the way your pretty little mouth feels around my cock..."

I spluttered, I could not believe he just said that, it was the first time I ever witnessed that side of Cody and I knew suddenly in the pit of my stomach that it wouldn't be the last. I almost passed out as every blood cell in my body rushed instantly to my cock, and I could barely get any words to find their way coherently past my lips, "I figured..."

"And you'd do this, for real, even though you '_don't do this kind of thing'_?" his voice was low, sultry almost, hang on a minute, there was me intending to be the seductive one...

I nodded, swallowing nervously, the moment of truth...

He stood, and for a moment I don't think either of us were sure which way he was headed, but instead of walking out, he slowly made his way towards where I sat waiting on the other side of the room, hands moving to unfasten his belt buckle as he stopped in front of the long, low couch, his crotch inches from my face,

"So what are you waiting for?"

_He fucked me._

His cock sprung free from his jeans as he loomed above me, and I licked my lips despite myself as he bucked forward, teasing me, "You want it?"

I nodded, eager but desperate not to appear so, as I ran my tongue lazily around my teeth, hearing him moan above me, my eyes never leaving their goal as I decided to take control for a moment, a luxury I'd never afforded myself in any of our previous encounters, too sordid, too spontaneous, over too quick for me to be able to explore him the way I wanted to... plus, he never would have let me...

I eased forward onto the edge of the chair, my hands working his hips free from his pants as I revelled in the feel of his skin against my own, of handfuls of succulent flesh, squeezing the ample buttocks beneath my palms, enjoying the sensation of him humming above me as he directed my head, his fingers embedded in my hair as I took him gradually into the warm confines of my mouth. My eyes found his above me as they closed, and he moaned, he moaned my name. I took that as my cue, feeling brave, my hands found their way up under his shirt, exploring the broad expanse of bronzed skin stretched tight across his torso for the very first time as I encouraged him to remove it, feeling him oblige as his hands left my hair momentarily, mourning their loss, I quickly encouraged him out of his pants, my heart racing at his compliance, hardly able to believe my luck... and suddenly he was pulling me away, my mouth empty and I looked at him questioningly,

"Enough..." he panted, and I smirked, suddenly aware of his predicament.

Rising to my feet, we stood chest to chest, millimetres between us, the heat radiating from him warming my every extremity, I removed my own shirt, my fingertips ghosting over the flushed skin of his chest, my breath hot against his neck as I whispered, invited, begged him to touch me, without saying a word...

I savoured every second, and it felt like an eternity of bliss from the moment he opened his jeans to the moment we had arrived at, the moment I stood before him, but I know it was mere seconds that had passed in reality... before he succumbed, before he pushed me back down...

I didn't want to risk scaring him away with excessive affection, with any affection at all in fact, with making him feel he wasn't in control, the show was his to direct, I wanted him to lead the way...

If he wanted me face down so he didn't have to confront the reality of what he was doing, then so be it, if he wanted me from behind so he didn't have to see my face, no problem... what I wasn't prepared for, was the way he pulled me towards him, the way he kissed me hard as he drove forward in a single fluid motion, swallowing my cry as he thrust himself inside of me, splitting me in two... making me explode from the inside out from the very first second... making me come alive.

It was fast. It was hard. There was nothing beautiful about it at all. He was filthy, brutal, he made me scream. I was completely unprepared to have my mind blown that way, despite having been ready for years. It was incredible. We spent the entire rest of the night in bed, and that was just the beginning.

I like to think I'm responsible for bringing Cody out of his emo funk, I know I am, deep down... I don't know if he's ever admitted it to himself, he certainly hasn't to me, but he changed after that. He used to come to me all the time, we were inseparable for ages, and it got to the point where people began to notice. But he had a great idea, nobody would ever suspect a thing...

Enter Layla.

**THE PRESENT**

I reach for my phone on the bedside table, checking the time before dulling the light instantly as footsteps approach outside. I roll away from the door, feigning sleep, not wanting it to appear as though I've been waiting. As though I'm desperate. Although I am. I stew in silence at the time I clocked, fury simmering just beneath the surface as I hear him shed his clothes and feel the bed dip as he climbs in beside me.

"I'm sorry," he kisses the back of my neck, snaking an arm around my waist and scoots in to wrap himself around me, "I couldn't get away,"

"You never can," I murmur bitterly to myself, why did he have to go and get himself so heavily involved? The perfect cover he'd said at the time, the first time, and I agreed. I still do, I guess, it's just harder like, nineteen women later. I just hate it. I hate her. This one in particular, all of them, all of the above. I can't help it. She's just so nice. They all are. And she gets to have him to herself all the damn time. They all do.

"It's not like that,"

He heard. Shit. He assures me relentlessly, but I'm not sure who he's trying to convince more, me, or himself. I'm jealous. I'm aware of that. It was a rude awakening the first time I realised but I'm used to it now, the way it eats me up inside. I go home feeling empty every week and promise myself I won't crack under the strain of keeping it to myself. He doesn't need to know. Yet every week when I see him again, see _them_, whichever one it is... I get closer to telling him, to breaking down and confessing all in a jealous rage. I know I have no right. But I can't stop myself from feeling like that, like I just want it to stop. I just want the feeling to go away... I want _them_ to go away. And the only way to do that is to rid myself of the cause of it. Rid myself of _them_. Rid Cody of them. That sounds so evil...

I almost wish I'd been a little more level-headed, not so quick to drive Layla away, even Beth, although she was a little more suspicious, but Layla especially. She was the perfect cover really, completely in love with him, completely oblivious, and completely injured and out of the picture for months, more than enough time to win him over, to make sure any residual love he may have held in reserve for her was long since devoid of any true emotion.

He'd never forgive me, if he knew what I'd done, to Beth, to Layla... I know that. That's probably the only reason I haven't yet caved under the pressure, havent told him, despite the guilt eating me up inside... I don't want to lose him forever. Why did I do it? Because I wanted to. Because it made me feel better. Because I can.

So for some reason I find myself shrugging his arm off. I hear the words coming from my lips as though from a stranger far away, "I'm asleep..."

I could practically hear the stunned silence as I felt him freeze beside me, then slowly pull away. He was still, I could barely hear him breathing and I wondered why he hadn't left. That's what he usually does. I figured he'd just wait until he thought I was asleep then sneak back into the night, it's not like he was ever there in the morning anyway. I finally drifted off with only my own memories to keep me company, their cruel fingers repeatedly hitting the play button to remind me what happened before, before he came back in a cloud of alcohol breath and cheap perfume...

**...**

"_Come back with me..." I knew I was pleading and almost cringed, reaching out for him as he rushed past me,_

"_Huh?"_

"_Stay with me tonight... Cody..." but I was wasting my breath, I could've walked the other way and he wouldn't have even noticed,_

"_Down here, c'mon,"_

"_Cody..." _

_I was aware of how desperate I sounded, but at that point I didn't care, the adrenaline still operating my brain and coursing rapidly through my body after the excitement of the street fight here in, wherever the hell we were, somewhere in Europe, Frankfurt? Possibly. Facing Cody in the ring was almost enough to get me off on its own, almost, and I needed him, I craved him, I was almost begging, so desperate that I followed unquestioning as he led me quickly through the maze of corridors backstage until we found an empty room. It wasn't something new, we certainly were no strangers to unoccupied rooms, toilet cubicles, you name it, but tonight, tonight I almost deflated as he closed the door behind us, one hand already retrieving his twitching cock from his trunks, the other reaching to push me to my knees..._

_I sighed, relenting, staring up at him from the floor in a last ditch attempt to get through to him before he slammed my head back against the wall and rammed his cock down my throat,_

"_Cody, no," I grabbed him by the wrist and got to my feet, his eyes widening in surprise and glancing down at our joined hands before slapping mine away,_

"_What? Fuck Randy what's the hold up?" he grabbed the obvious bulge in his trunks and thrust his crotch towards me, "I've got goods need unloading..." he smirked, "Or you just can't wait huh?" He tried to spin me around, forcing me up against the wall and dragging my trunks down with one hand, exposing my ass, his sweaty chest pressed up hard against my back,_

"_Fuck!" I swung him around, completely dismayed as he stood glaring at me, that he couldn't stop thinking with his dick long enough to even hear what I had to say,_

"_What?"_

"_I wanted you to come back with me tonight..."_

"_Why?" he looked like he really just couldn't comprehend why I might want him to do that,_

"_I dunno, just, you know, have a few drinks in the room, make a night of it..."_

"_I can't, I've got a date with Eden at the bar," he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, "Can't we just do it now? Don't wanna keep the lady waiting..." his smirk made me feel sick, why did I keep doing this to myself?_

"_Never mind. Forget it." I was out of there before he had a chance to change my mind,_

"_Are you fucking kidding me?" I heard him calling after me but I didn't even turn around, the sight of him and his latest companion eating each other's faces already burnt into my retinas from the night before. The sad thing was, that not so far under the surface I knew, I knew the only reason I was constantly trying to monopolise his time was because I was jealous. I wanted him all to myself and I knew I could never have him. I had to share him with everyone else. And I hated every second of it. I'd rather have nothing at all than this limbo I've created for myself._

**...**

I could feel myself awakening, a discontented moan on my lips, an involuntary sigh as I exhaled, rolling over onto my stomach in an attempt to fend off consciousness. I felt a cool draught tickle the length of my spine as the sheet slipped lower, my back arching against the sensation as I raised my arms, burying my face in the crook of one elbow, the other disappearing under the pillow as I groaned at the half awake state slipping from my grasp. I felt the flimsy white sheet slide further, lower down the curve of my ass as I adjusted my hips, accommodating what lies beneath and pressing harder into the soft mattress in that state of blissful semi-consciousness that exists just before full awareness descends. I felt a moan escape my lips as I prised them apart, confused as I felt the mattress dip beside me, accompanied by the soft rustle of the heavily starched, pristine white sheet. I froze, goosebumps following the trail of a cool finger down the sleep heated skin of my back, drawing me further into full consciousness although it felt like a dream, and I opened my eyes, arching into the touch despite the cacophony of alarm bells instinctively warning me to flee. I rolled onto my side, the movement no doubt defensive, despite my body craving the touch it had dreamt of throughout the night, allowing it to pull me closer without any resistance, hot breath tickling my cheek, my lips...

I turned further away as he whispered my name, the remnants of last night's perfume assaulting my nostrils and I fought down a wave of nausea as he licked along the shell of my ear, whispering my name so enticingly, and I knew I'd give in, I could feel it rising within me to succumb...

I wanted him, of course I did, but more than that, I wanted him to want me, and right now, he did. I relished the opportunity to have him administer this kind of tenderness, it was such an infrequent occurrence that I didn't want it to stop. I wanted to enjoy it, but more than that, I wanted him to work for it. To work for my attention for a change. Even if he only wanted it to get his end away...

As that thought hit me, any sense of indulgence left in an instant, and before I knew what I was doing I was on my knees, facing him in fury.

"You want me now? Now huh? When it suits you Cody? When you don't have anything else to do?"

My hand was around his neck and I forced him down face first into the mattress, ignoring the fleeting glimpse of fear I saw in his eyes and barely registering the struggle taking place beneath me as I straddled him from behind, my hand moving around to envelop the back of his neck and keep him in place as I drove forward without warning. I knew it was the first time, I knew he was freaking the fuck out, but the roar of pure pain that I ripped from his body only served to spur me on and I couldn't find it within myself at that moment to be apologetic in the slightest, let alone care. I was lost in the rhythmic slap of skin as the strangled whimpering below me diminished and blood rushed through my ears. Cody grew silent below me, and I was so immersed in the moment that at first I didn't recognise the change in him, I didn't notice the pained cries gradually become panting gasps for air, I didn't notice him holding his breath as my hand moved from his neck to embed my fingers in his hair and pull his head back towards me, but the sound he made as the change in angle drove me in deeper is something I'll never forget, along with the sight of his body shuddering underneath me as he shot his load all over the bed. I've never felt so accomplished in my life, and I haven't cum so hard in months. The sight of my cock plunging deep between the perfect globes of his ass as he contracted violently around me was enough to send me into an incoherent mess, and I pounded into him furiously, slumped forward over his back, biting down hard into his neck as I drove relentlessly into him before coming to a shuddering halt, sporadic spasms wracking my body as I filled him from the inside. As soon as I could breathe I pulled out, rolling over away from him, discarding him, and pulling the covers up to signal I was done as he lay there stunned.

Maybe he'll finally see how much I let him get away with... and what I'm capable of, and how much I give in to him, give myself to him... He doesn't see me the way I want him to and he never will. He takes me for granted, as a guaranteed fuck, and I let him. I'm so weak. He knows how I feel about him and he uses it against me, the power he has over me has gone to his fucking head and I'm powerless to resist him. Because I rely on him too... I need that constant in my life, to remind me of what I can never truly have and how lucky I am to have what little he gives me. He'll never feel the same, he'll never understand, he just indulges me, he indulges me because he feels sorry for me and gets off on it.

**THE FUTURE**

Alone... yet again. Waiting... still. Wondering... always.

It had been a week, there was no going back, the end had long since come and gone, it was just up to me to realise it and stop waiting around for something that was never going to happen.

But then it did. A beep on my phone, a knock at the door.

We stood there, face to face for the first time in days, not knowing what to say and unsure how to proceed.

"I deserved it, I know that..."

I can't deny I was taken aback, to the point where I didn't even have a response for that. Cody scratched the back of his neck, eyes downcast, you know that way he does when he's feeling nervous, feeling like something's expected of him... I learnt a long time ago that if I didn't expect anything then I wouldn't be disappointed... He looked up at me briefly, eyes darting around the corridor on either side of him as he stood awkwardly in the doorframe,

"I had this plan..."

"Enlighten me, please."

"I was sick of people thinking... I didn't want anyone to... I mean, fuck, I've had a constant girlfriend since I was 16 yet I'm still apparently everyone's fucking butt buddy, y'know? All those girls that write that shit, I mean, I just don't get it, so I thought, I dunno..." he trailed off, not meeting my eye, scratching his neck again and running his hands over his face, "That maybe if I took a leaf out of Kelly's book... or at least made it look that way..." he looked up at me finally, imploring me to see what he was getting at, I nodded slowly,

"Yeah... and... uh, good plan?"

"...really?"

I raked my own hands over my head in exasperation, "Well what do you want me to say? It's a good cover? Well,_ was_... except you don't need a cover, that's not a cover for you... it's just..._ you_. It's just what you do."

"But it's not. Not anymore. I mean I can understand why you'd think that... but it hasn't been for a long time, I just... I didn't realise..."

"Didn't realise what? Fucking spit it out Cody, do we have to prolong the agony any further?"

"What?"

"Just tell me already!"

"It was meant to be a cover Randy, you're right, because you know me, how I roll, I felt sorry for you, thought I'd indulge you, a little thankyou for everything you've done for me, I've just been using you and I'm not gay, etc etc, that's what you think, right?"

I nodded slowly, shame washing over me as the words were said out loud,

"So I... It's just... I couldn't let anyone find out... that I was actually doing what everyone was accusing me of doing anyway..."

"And? Is this going somewhere?"

"What I didn't expect was for it to actually happen. And I... I only just realised. It took me this long, but I finally realised."

"Realised what?"

"That I'm in a monogamous gay relationship with a man."

I think I didn't breathe for a whole minute, "What?"

"With _you_. And I... I'm okay with that."

It took a moment for it to sink in, what he actually just said, I was stunned.

"Are you sure?" I cringed as the words left my mouth, just waiting for him to laugh and say no, of course not, how could I be so stupid as to ever believe that? What a stupid thing to say, I was furious with myself and I couldn't look at him as I waited for him to continue.

But he nodded, he fucking nodded, "Yeah, I'm sure."

I felt like I had come alive, but was still so insecure, so full of self doubt, I couldn't let myself believe it until it was all straight in my head, I had so many questions, and I was still petrified of the answers, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Which bit?"

I shrugged, embarrassed at sounding too eager, "All of it?"

But he knew what I really meant anyway, "I'm telling you now, aren't I?" he was almost pleading, his eyes wide, genuine, "I didn't even know. It took you pushing me away for me to finally realise. I hadn't even managed to admit it to myself Randy... let alone you."

"But... but you have now?"

He nodded, "I have now."

My heart exploded in my chest, "I love you." I was breathless. I wanted to run and scoop him up in my arms and never let him go.

A wave of guilt passed across his face momentarily, but he recovered quickly, "What about your wife?"

"What about her?" I seriously didn't understand the question, why would he even think of mentioning her at a time like this? Things had been all but over between us for months, years even. Not that anybody actually knew that...

"You can't be in love with two people at once!"

"I'm not, I'm only in love with one."

I thought I was being poignant, I thought I was making myself clear, finally,

He stared at me, I saw him swallow, "If that's how you feel you only had to say, I won't bother you again."

What? It was my turn to stare, his unexpected response confusing me momentarily but as he turned from me, about to walk out of my life forever I realised what he thought I had just said. And I laughed, incredulous. He quickened his pace.

"It's you Cody." He ran.

But it was too late._ I_ was too late.

"IT'S NOT HER, IT'S YOU!"

He was gone.

I should have told him sooner, I know that. And I understand why he misunderstood what I meant, I really do. When you unburden yourself of something so massively all-encompassing, something that to you is so huge you can hardly get your head around it, you feel like you're completely laid bare and open to scrutiny. You expect it. It's just all such a potential timebomb that you can even create the backlash all on your own just like Cody did. You're so emotionally unstable that you're susceptible to even just the merest whiff of negativity and on the verge of slamming shut every door you just opened and packing yourself away even further inside than you were before.

I know this because I've been there.

Next thing I knew, before I even had a chance to talk to him he had gone and got himself transferred to get away from me and nothing I said or did made any difference. All I've been trying to do ever since is set him straight. But it's a long process. And here I am putting up with everything I made him put up with before. And I never even realised, I was so caught up in wallowing in my own misery, my own self pity, that I didn't even notice things had changed.

_He'd_ changed.

Sometimes I feel like I'll be forever chasing him and may as well give up. But what he still doesn't realise is it was always him for me. He thinks I just changed my mind, he thinks I didn't know what I had until it was gone so came running after him, like he did with me. But it was only him that did that, I knew all along how I felt about him, I just had never told him. I didn't dare. And I never realised he had it so wrong, had so little faith in me, it's laughable in fact, because for me it's always been the other way around, I had no idea I came across like that. I'd been trying so hard for so long not to wear my heart on my sleeve, to remain aloof and unaffected so as not to give anything away, that even Cody believed it. He truly had no idea how I felt, that I'd been in love with him for years. And he genuinely believed my public relationship with my wife was more than just an elaborate deception of my own.

But really, the only person I've been fooling is myself. I've been so blind. So desperate, and such a fool. They say you can't see the wood for the trees... I've been chasing after him like some desperate lovesick schoolgirl since the moment he left, yet he still doesn't realise what actually happened, and I don't know how to make him see it, because nothing I say will seem like anything but backtracking to him.

So still I wait.

Alone.

Still I'm here.

Wondering.

I'll always be here, just waiting for him to realise that.

**...FIN**


End file.
